placement eve

I know I haven't really posted Gage's adoption story yet. I hope that someday I will. It's so hard to write it out and commit to remembering it a certain way when I know I could never recount it in a way that my heart remembers it. How do you capture the emotions, love, heartache, fear, and pain that comes with an adoption. You can't. It will never be as perfect as it was those few days we were able to spend with Korin.

A month or so ago I wrote a guest post for Aubrey. Since then, this post has been swirling around and around in my head. I wasn't going to post it, but it's the only way to stop it from swirling. :) Who knows how many times I will come back and edit it to try and make it perfect.

As I was writing my guest post, I started thinking back and remembering the days before placement. Remembering those raw, raw emotions brought tears to my eyes. (okay, so I may or may not be crying now)

The night before placement, Dustyn and I were in our hotel room. We were doing anything to pass the time. Dustyn was watching TV or something and I was trying to prepare the gift that we had purchased for Korin. It had to be perfect. But... how could it be perfect? She was placing her baby in my arms. Her child. The baby she carried in her womb and delivered only 24 hours ago. I was giving her pictures and few items that I hoped would remind her how much we love her. It felt inadequate. A gift could never tell her the way we felt about her.

As Dustyn and I crawled into bed, we laid awake. As I laid in his arms, the tears came.

"I won't be mad if she changes her mind. I want her to change her mind. I can't watch her hurt. It's too much, I can't do this. I want to be the one hurting."

"I know," Dustyn agreed with me and hugged me a little tighter.

As I laid there sobbing, I remembered that this was Korin's choice for Gage. She wanted to place him in our home. Adoption was her choice.

That didn't make it much easier, but it gave me strength to know that we could do this and it was what Korin wanted. Her strength and courage made me stronger. It made me a better mother.

The first time I held Gage, moments after he was born.

On the day of placement, my heart broke into a million pieces as Korin placed Gage in my arms and said goodbye for the last time. As she walked out of the room and the door closed, I cried. I sobbed. The hardest I have ever cried in my life. This precious baby in my arms was my baby. I was a mother. Because of a beautiful young woman named Korin.

Korin with Gage saying goodbye.

I wish I could relive those days again. I wish I could hug her a few more times. I wish I could tell her again and again how much she means to me and how much I love her.

Adoption is the most amazing blessing I have ever been a part of. It is the Lord's plan. He loves us and wants what is best for us. He knows what we need and when we need it. The hard part is putting our trust in the Lord. I think back to the three and a half years that we were waiting and hoping for a baby. I know there was pain. I know there was discouragement. I know I cried myself to sleep more than I care to admit. Today, as I sit and rock my baby boy (okay, so maybe it's not really rocking as much as him jumping on me. Ha ha!) I can not remember the pain I experienced. I know it was there, but he makes every minute worth it.

I can't believe that in 15 (or so) short days, Gage will officially be a part of our family. Legally, at least. He's very much a part of our family now, as much as he was the day we found out a young woman had chosen us to be her baby boy's parents. I can't wait to take him into the house of our Lord and be sealed to him eternally. I feel like my heart is going to explode with love and joy. What an amazing gift. I can't wait until I can tell him all about it.