So many things...

I am so sad for so many families right now. Adoption is hard. Please pray for this family, this family, this family, and this family. And sadly, I know there are many more out there facing hard aches. Why does adoption have to be so hard, yet so wonderful. I suppose that is why. Things that are the hardest, always turn out the most wonderful.

Definitely a hard week for adoption.

But there are so many wonderful things happening all around at the same time! I love the Christmas season! I love that it is a season of giving and love.

I am so excited to adopt. I love adoption and the wonderful experience that I get to be a part of. I know it will be hard. Harder than I can even imagine right now. But I know it will be wonderful and totally worth the heart ache.

Heavenly Father loves us and he wants to bless us. He know what experiences will help us for our good. He knows what will make us into the best possible people we can be. He knows each and everyone of us. He knows what we need. I am thankful for this. I am thankful that we have been through the trials that we have had. They have and continue to make us better people. Preparing us to be better parents.

I love this time of year. I love thinking about the many blessings I have in my life. I love remembering the life of our Savior, Jesus Christ and the Atonement. We are so blessed!

White walls

Through our adoption journey we have been matched, packed, and ready to leave at a moments notice at least 6 or so times (really, I've lost count.  We've been "matched" many more times).  We prepared, loved and prayed for so so many little children.  Children of God.  Children we hoped and prayed would come into our home. We are prepared.  We are ready.  We have everything a baby would need to thrive and grow.

Lately I have felt the urge to get rid of everything. Remember the nursery?  I feel like I need to paint it white.  I want white walls.  Now, I know you are asking, "Why put so much work into something that you are just going to paint white and start over?"  I want to start over.  I want to go back to the first year of our adoption journey where we were excited!  Anxious!  Ready!  I want to feel the fresh feeling of HOPE again.

I can't look at the nursery.  I never go in there, but it is always tugging at the back of my mind.  After packing and unpacking so many times, it's a mess.  I want to go organize it and make it perfect.  Ready.  But I just can't.  I want to get rid of it.

Thankfully I have the gospel in my life that continually gives me hope.  I have friends.  Many friends that are hoping and praying for us!  I have so many friends that are always there offering support.  I love reading blogs.  They help me so much to see how great things can turn out.  And how sometimes, they don't turn out.  But you know what?  I am not the only one going through this.  There are other people out there, like me.  Yes.  Little old me.

I have family that are always there!  Ready to hand out pass-along cards, talk to everyone they know about adoption, and to support us in every way they can.

There is so much love and support surrounding me.  How can I want to start over?  I never want to forget the experiences we have had.  I never want to forget the little spirits we have loved and hoped for.  I never want to forget the spirit that has filled our lives with each experience.  Those are perfect moments.  Moments when my heart wants to jump out of my chest.  Those are moments that keep me going and wanting to try again and again.  Those are moments that give me hope.

Have I ever mentioned . . .

How much I LOVE the rain?

 (sadly, I did not take this picture, or any of them really)

How much I LOVE General Conference?

How much I LOVE Eternal Families?

How much I LOVE adoption?

How much I LOVE hope?

When I decided that sometimes life sucks, I needed something to remind me that it is great too. Through faith and hope we will find our miracles and peace in this world. But we must give our faith and will to the Lord. We can find peace through Jesus Christ. I really liked this article and the things that I was reminded of.

Be of Good Cheer and Faithful in Adversity

Elder Adhemar Damiani
Of the Seventy

Adhemar Damiani, “Be of Good Cheer and Faithful in Adversity,” Liahona, May 2005, 94–96

The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us the strength and the eternal perspective to face what is coming with good cheer.

How can we find peace in this world? How can we endure to the end? How can we overcome the difficulties and trials we are facing?

The Savior Jesus Christ said: “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” 1

As part of our mortal probation, we pass through affliction, pain, and disappointment. Only in Jesus Christ can we find peace. He can help us to be of good cheer and to overcome all the challenges of this life.
What does it mean to be of good cheer? It means having hope, not getting discouraged, not losing faith, and living life joyfully. “Men are, that they might have joy.” 2 It means facing life with confidence.
The gospel of Jesus Christ gives us the strength and the eternal perspective to face what is coming with good cheer. We must, however, not underestimate the difficulties that are prophesied for our day.
What are some of these difficulties? How can we face them?

Some of these difficulties are lack of hope, lack of love, and lack of peace.

The prophet Moroni taught, “If ye have no hope ye must needs be in despair; and despair cometh because of iniquity.” 3 For many, the coming years may be years of despair. The greater the iniquity, the greater the despair will be.

The Savior said, “Because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.” 4 As iniquity increases, true love disappears. As a result, fear, insecurity, and despair grow!

To the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Lord said: “I … will that all men shall know that the day speedily cometh … when peace shall be taken from the earth, and the devil shall have power over his own dominion. And also the Lord shall have power over his saints, and shall reign in their midst.” 5 We live in a time when peace has been taken from the earth.

On the other hand, we live in a glorious time, a time when the Lord has restored His priesthood. The true gospel has been restored. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the kingdom of God on earth! We are helping to prepare the earth for the time when the Lord Jesus Christ will come and personally reign.
Why must we pass through trials in this life?

The Lord makes no secret that He will test our faith and our obedience. “We will prove them herewith,” He said, “to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.” 6
We learn from the book of Ecclesiastes: “All things come alike to all: there is one event to the righteous, and to the wicked; to the good and to the clean, and to the unclean; … as is the good, so is the sinner. … There is one event unto all.” 7 Tempests may occur in the life of the man who built his life upon the rock of the gospel, as well as in the life of the foolish who built his life upon the things of this world. 8
How should we react to these trials?

The Lord has said, “If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow me.” 9 Each day we must take up our cross and press forward—and not just linger on the sidelines of our eternal journey.

How can we know whether we are being tried or whether the Lord is punishing us?

Trials are opportunities for our growth. The Lord said, “My people must be tried in all things, that they may be prepared to receive the glory that I have for them, even the glory of Zion; and he that will not bear chastisement is not worthy of my kingdom.” 10

When we are being tried, we should ponder and ask, “What does the Lord want me to do in this situation?”
The Lord spoke these comforting words to the Prophet Joseph Smith: “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?” 11 We need to view each trial as an opportunity for growth. Someday we will understand the why.

The Lord has said, “Whom I love I also chasten that their sins may be forgiven, for with the chastisement I prepare a way for their deliverance.” 12 The Lord loves each one of us. He wants us to be happy. This happiness comes by our faith in Jesus Christ, by our sincere and true repentance, by our obedience to His commandments, and by our endurance to the end.

Sometimes we might think that the Lord does not hear or answer our prayers. At such times, we need to stop and ponder what we have done throughout our lives. If necessary, we must put our lives in harmony with the gospel of Jesus Christ. Through the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Lord revealed:
“I, the Lord, have suffered the affliction to come upon them, wherewith they have been afflicted, in consequence of their transgressions. …
“They were slow to hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; therefore, the Lord their God is slow to hearken unto their prayers, to answer them in the day of their trouble.
“In the day of their peace they esteemed lightly my counsel; but, in the day of their trouble, of necessity they feel after me.” 13

When we have the sincere desire to put our lives in harmony with the will of the Lord, He will always be ready to help ease our burdens.

What destroys our good cheer and our hope?

Jesus Christ told the Twelve Apostles some of the things that can destroy our hope and make us give up: allowing ourselves to fall into temptation; not enduring affliction, tribulation, and persecution; fearing “the cares” of the world; seeking wealth first; giving up instead of enduring to the end; and allowing false prophets to deceive us. 14

What gives us courage and hope?

The Lord’s invitation to each of us is “come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” 15 Jesus Christ has the power to give us rest from our pain and suffering.

The prophet Mormon taught:
“Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope. …
“… And if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity.” 16

If we daily exercise faith, meekness, charity, and lowliness in heart, confessing that Jesus is the Christ, and accepting His Atonement, we will be blessed with the strength and hope to face and overcome the trials and pains of this life.

What are some of the Lord’s promises to each one of us?

“Be of good cheer, little children; for I am in your midst, and I have not forsaken you.” 17
“Be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.” 18

Quoting the words of the prophet Ether: “Wherefore, whoso believeth in God might with surety hope for a better world, yea, even a place at the right hand of God, which hope cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men.” 19

God is our Father. We are His children. He loves us. He desires our happiness here in this life and for all eternity. We are led by a true prophet of God today. Jesus is the Christ. Through Him, we can find peace in this world. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Finding Hope (not so much April Fools)

Adoption is something that I am passionate about.  It something that I thrive to know more about and to learn as much as I can about.  It is something that my heart aches for.  It's something that I don't talk about a lot because it is so special to me.  

Our case worker always jokes that we should give a workshop on "finding hope" after a failed match/placement.  I know that I am far too emotional to stand up in front of a group of people and explain how to overcome the trial of a broken heart and to get up the next morning and start over again.  And again.  Knowing that it will probably happen again.  I guess that isn't the right kind of hope, is it?  I guess that sometimes I am not sure I even know how to do that.  Sometimes I lose the vision of a placement actually happening in our house.  How does that qualify me to help others find hope?  How does that make me strong enough to keep going?  Sometimes I don't know.  But then I think about the Plan of Salvation.  I think about our Savior Jesus Christ.  I think about our Heavenly Father and all the blessings that he wants to give us.  I think about our sweet Hannah.  I think about my sweet husband.  I know we are an eternal family.  I know that we will be blessed.  I know we will gain the true desires of our hearts.  I know we will have children on this earth.  Now where do I find the patience?  

I am hoping that by writing this post and exposing all my feelings and hurt that we have experienced in our Adoption Journey, maybe I can start to heal and just maybe I can help someone else that may be experiencing a similar experience (and thinking they are the only one out there, like we do sometimes!).  :)  If not, well then that is okay.  After all this is my blog about Adoption and our journey to get there.  Maybe this will open me up more to talking about it.  

Adoption is hard to talk about for me.  It's hard to let everyone know what has been going on and when we have a possible match.  It's hard to go back and tell them that things didn't happen as we had hoped.  It's hard to have people pity me or feel bad for me.  After all this is my journey, the one that I chose.  The one that I have always hoped for.  The one that I am excited about.  The one that will expand our little family.  

A lot of people don't understand why we chose to start the Adoption Journey.  After all I have been pregnant before, we know it can happen.  And I am sure with a little help it would happen again.  But the point is, I long to adopt.  I know this is not an easy road.  But it is the one that I want.  I know there is a baby meant to be in our family.  One that I can not bring into the world.  A baby that will come to us through adoption.  

I decided to put together a little time line of events and just maybe it might be a hope for someone to see that there are other couples out there with similar experiences.  (And for my own information too!)

October 23, 2004 - Our Sweet Hannah came into this world and then returned to her Heavenly Father.  

November 2004 - The road to conceive begins.  Dustyn and I briefly talk about adoption.

November 2005 - We know we want to Adopt.  It feels right.  We call LDSFS.  They send us the packet with a brief introduction to adoption.  

August 2006 - We decide that now is the time to start the process.  We paid our homestudy fee and the process begins.  

October 2006 - We are APPROVED!  Yay!  We decided not to tell anyone and just let everyone be surprised!  :)

December 1, 2006 - We are activated on Parent Profiles.  

January 2006 - We tell our family and friends we are adopting and start spreading the word!

January 31, 2007 - We are matched with C.  We talk on the phone, make plans to drive out and meet her.  Things seemed to be going well.  We were officially "matched".  Due April 26th.

February 2007 - As we finalize our travel plans, we learn through her case worker that she chose another couple.  

April 4, 2007 - We start talking to H.

April 20, 2007 - We start talking to R.

May 14, 2007 (Mother's Day) - We are matched with H.

May 2007 - Go to visit H.

June 2007 - Deactivate Parent Profiles.

July 2007 - Spend a month in PA waiting for baby P to be born.

August 20, 2007 - Baby P is born and H decides to parent.  We were SO happy for her and know that she made the best choice for her and P.  She'll always be one of my best friends.  Love her to death!  

August 30, 2007 - Matched with R.

September 2007 - R decides to parent.

November 19, 2007 - Parent Profiles reactivated.

November 2007 - LDSFS Online Profile activated.

December 2007 - Matched with C.  We are ready to fly out.  She had talked to our case worker and her case worker.  Goes to get final paperwork signed before we leave town and doesn't show up.  

January 29,2008 - Start talking to C.  She is such a cutie and a awesome person.  We were able to meet with her quite a few times and spend quite a bit of time with her.  We were feeling fairly hopeful that if she did decide to place her baby that she would consider us.  

March 18, 2008 - C has her baby early. (Due the end of June).  Baby Z joins our sweet Hannah.  This was a hard time for me because all the feeling of loosing my Hannah came back.  My heart hurts for C and all that she is going through. 

There is the basic rundown.  

I don't know why I feel the need to share this.  Maybe just to update my family and friends on where we are in our process.  I know that so many of them are feeling left out, but it's hard for me to tell family and friends that we are matched just to turn around and tell them it didn't work out.  It's hard to deal with the emotions and to let everyone else to deal with them too.  

This truly has been an amazing journey that I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for letting me experience.  I know that someday we will have a small little babe placed in our arms.  Someday the ache will be eased.  Our lives are changed forever through adoption and I am thankful for that.   I am thankful for the experiences that we have had to learn and grow.  Sometimes I wonder why this all has to be so complicated, then I meet another amazing birth mother or another adoption friend that helps me see the real blessings.   The reason why we are all in this together.  

Thank you for joining us on our Journey.  I know it is far from over.  We have the rest of our lives to learn more about adoption as it continue to bless our lives.

Thank you for the support, the love and the wonderful examples that you are.  You are what keeps us going from day to day.  You are what makes it possible to start over.  I will be eternally grateful for all of my fabulous adoption friends!  They rock!  

And this my friends is my presentation on hope!  Ha ha!  I guess maybe I still haven't figured it out.  :)