six months

a year ago, I couldn't even imagine being a mother.

today, I couldn't imagine my life without him.

permission

The internet is a crazy thing.

I love it and hate it all in the same breath.

I love catching up with people, blogs and my friends.
I love making friends.
I love that I am documenting little bits and pieces of our lives. (i am a HORRIBLE journal writer)
I love that I can google anything at any time of day and find an answer to a random piece of trivia.

I hate that I spend time on my computer that I could be spending with my family.
I hate that I feel like I have to get permission to take a break.
I hate that I feel guilty for not commenting on blogs or facebook.
I hate that I feel guilty over not posting on my blog.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I may or may not be around for while. I am still figuring out the working mom and wife thing. I am probably going to be a horrible friend for awhile. (you can still text me or email me anytime - and please do)

Eventually I will try, try again.

Until then, I might be here and there every now and again, but for right now, I need to get rid of the guilt. I realize no one cares if I post or not or if I comment, but I guess this is me giving myself permission.

I can go a week or two without logging on to the internet. It's OKAY! I will survive without knowing what is happening in everyones lives. It's okay if I don't go back and read a weeks worth of facebook updates. (yes, I am lame)

Hopefully I will be back soon with GUILT-FREE posts.

Until then, I'll be chillin' with my favorite boys and trying to be a better wife and mother.

oh how I love this boy

the one with his tongue

placement eve

I know I haven't really posted Gage's adoption story yet. I hope that someday I will. It's so hard to write it out and commit to remembering it a certain way when I know I could never recount it in a way that my heart remembers it. How do you capture the emotions, love, heartache, fear, and pain that comes with an adoption. You can't. It will never be as perfect as it was those few days we were able to spend with Korin.

A month or so ago I wrote a guest post for Aubrey. Since then, this post has been swirling around and around in my head. I wasn't going to post it, but it's the only way to stop it from swirling. :) Who knows how many times I will come back and edit it to try and make it perfect.

As I was writing my guest post, I started thinking back and remembering the days before placement. Remembering those raw, raw emotions brought tears to my eyes. (okay, so I may or may not be crying now)

The night before placement, Dustyn and I were in our hotel room. We were doing anything to pass the time. Dustyn was watching TV or something and I was trying to prepare the gift that we had purchased for Korin. It had to be perfect. But... how could it be perfect? She was placing her baby in my arms. Her child. The baby she carried in her womb and delivered only 24 hours ago. I was giving her pictures and few items that I hoped would remind her how much we love her. It felt inadequate. A gift could never tell her the way we felt about her.

As Dustyn and I crawled into bed, we laid awake. As I laid in his arms, the tears came.

"I won't be mad if she changes her mind. I want her to change her mind. I can't watch her hurt. It's too much, I can't do this. I want to be the one hurting."

"I know," Dustyn agreed with me and hugged me a little tighter.

As I laid there sobbing, I remembered that this was Korin's choice for Gage. She wanted to place him in our home. Adoption was her choice.

That didn't make it much easier, but it gave me strength to know that we could do this and it was what Korin wanted. Her strength and courage made me stronger. It made me a better mother.

The first time I held Gage, moments after he was born.

On the day of placement, my heart broke into a million pieces as Korin placed Gage in my arms and said goodbye for the last time. As she walked out of the room and the door closed, I cried. I sobbed. The hardest I have ever cried in my life. This precious baby in my arms was my baby. I was a mother. Because of a beautiful young woman named Korin.

Korin with Gage saying goodbye.

I wish I could relive those days again. I wish I could hug her a few more times. I wish I could tell her again and again how much she means to me and how much I love her.

Adoption is the most amazing blessing I have ever been a part of. It is the Lord's plan. He loves us and wants what is best for us. He knows what we need and when we need it. The hard part is putting our trust in the Lord. I think back to the three and a half years that we were waiting and hoping for a baby. I know there was pain. I know there was discouragement. I know I cried myself to sleep more than I care to admit. Today, as I sit and rock my baby boy (okay, so maybe it's not really rocking as much as him jumping on me. Ha ha!) I can not remember the pain I experienced. I know it was there, but he makes every minute worth it.

I can't believe that in 15 (or so) short days, Gage will officially be a part of our family. Legally, at least. He's very much a part of our family now, as much as he was the day we found out a young woman had chosen us to be her baby boy's parents. I can't wait to take him into the house of our Lord and be sealed to him eternally. I feel like my heart is going to explode with love and joy. What an amazing gift. I can't wait until I can tell him all about it.

the one where he swallows his chin

labor day

We spent the weekend camping.

It was perfect (minus the wind). I am glad we got one more camping trip in before it is too cold to go. This was only our second camping trip of the year. Definitely not normal behavior for us. :)

Gage loves being outside so it was definitely a hit with him.

He did a lot of giggling.

A lot of sleeping.

And made a lot of goofy faces.

We sure love spending time with him.

life is officially busy

Crazy busy.

Until I can balance and figure out how to be a working mom, wife and me, I might be mostly non-existent for awhile (I realize there are a lot of amazing working moms out there. You are amazing and I don't know how you do it. I wanna be more like you!).

It's tough to go to work, come home and only have three hours to spend with Gage. This week? He has slept at least two of those hours away. I am hoping we can push back his bedtime a little so I can spend more time with him. Sadly, he is the one who sets him bedtime and this little babe loves sleep.

I hope to be back as the new and improved me, soon.

Until then?

Miss me.

:)