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so much love

We had the most amazing weekend ever.

Seriously, it could not have been better.

Korin met us up at the Temple after Gage's sealing and then traveled down to attend Gage's blessing. It was so great to see her. I have missed her so much. What a perfect weekend.

I have more to say, but for now I will leave you with a few pictures. (can you believe we didn't even take any after the temple. It was so cold, windy and rainy. Freezing!)

placement eve

I know I haven't really posted Gage's adoption story yet. I hope that someday I will. It's so hard to write it out and commit to remembering it a certain way when I know I could never recount it in a way that my heart remembers it. How do you capture the emotions, love, heartache, fear, and pain that comes with an adoption. You can't. It will never be as perfect as it was those few days we were able to spend with Korin.

A month or so ago I wrote a guest post for Aubrey. Since then, this post has been swirling around and around in my head. I wasn't going to post it, but it's the only way to stop it from swirling. :) Who knows how many times I will come back and edit it to try and make it perfect.

As I was writing my guest post, I started thinking back and remembering the days before placement. Remembering those raw, raw emotions brought tears to my eyes. (okay, so I may or may not be crying now)

The night before placement, Dustyn and I were in our hotel room. We were doing anything to pass the time. Dustyn was watching TV or something and I was trying to prepare the gift that we had purchased for Korin. It had to be perfect. But... how could it be perfect? She was placing her baby in my arms. Her child. The baby she carried in her womb and delivered only 24 hours ago. I was giving her pictures and few items that I hoped would remind her how much we love her. It felt inadequate. A gift could never tell her the way we felt about her.

As Dustyn and I crawled into bed, we laid awake. As I laid in his arms, the tears came.

"I won't be mad if she changes her mind. I want her to change her mind. I can't watch her hurt. It's too much, I can't do this. I want to be the one hurting."

"I know," Dustyn agreed with me and hugged me a little tighter.

As I laid there sobbing, I remembered that this was Korin's choice for Gage. She wanted to place him in our home. Adoption was her choice.

That didn't make it much easier, but it gave me strength to know that we could do this and it was what Korin wanted. Her strength and courage made me stronger. It made me a better mother.

The first time I held Gage, moments after he was born.

On the day of placement, my heart broke into a million pieces as Korin placed Gage in my arms and said goodbye for the last time. As she walked out of the room and the door closed, I cried. I sobbed. The hardest I have ever cried in my life. This precious baby in my arms was my baby. I was a mother. Because of a beautiful young woman named Korin.

Korin with Gage saying goodbye.

I wish I could relive those days again. I wish I could hug her a few more times. I wish I could tell her again and again how much she means to me and how much I love her.

Adoption is the most amazing blessing I have ever been a part of. It is the Lord's plan. He loves us and wants what is best for us. He knows what we need and when we need it. The hard part is putting our trust in the Lord. I think back to the three and a half years that we were waiting and hoping for a baby. I know there was pain. I know there was discouragement. I know I cried myself to sleep more than I care to admit. Today, as I sit and rock my baby boy (okay, so maybe it's not really rocking as much as him jumping on me. Ha ha!) I can not remember the pain I experienced. I know it was there, but he makes every minute worth it.

I can't believe that in 15 (or so) short days, Gage will officially be a part of our family. Legally, at least. He's very much a part of our family now, as much as he was the day we found out a young woman had chosen us to be her baby boy's parents. I can't wait to take him into the house of our Lord and be sealed to him eternally. I feel like my heart is going to explode with love and joy. What an amazing gift. I can't wait until I can tell him all about it.

i could do this all day

Did someone say they wanted details?

We usually don't include many others on our little adoption journeys.
Adoption is hard.
I never know what I'll say if it doesn't work out.
It's always a really tough decision for me. To share or not to share.

This time we are taking a chance to share, because we are so excited and full of joy and it's hard to contain the excitement. Plus, we (meaning Us and Rin and her family) need all the prayers we can get. And in the end should "Rin" choose to parent... I know I have the best friends ever who would be there to support us.

But right now, that is the furthest thing from my mind.

Until I am ready to share her name with you, our sweet birth mom will go by Rin.

Rin and her mom have been working with LDSFS for a little over a month. As she was clicking through profiles online, she found ours and kept going to back to it. She decided she would like a face to face visit.

On the day before Thanksgiving we got a call from our LDSFS office telling us a little about her and that she would like to meet us. It was completely unexpected. We haven't been contacted for months and months. We wanted to tell everyone... but of course we secretly rejoiced that in 12 days we would meet Rin.

Well that day finally came. We were excited and nervous all at the same time. (really I felt like puking I was so nervous) When she arrived and we met her, all the nervousness went away (well most of it anyways - hee hee). She is beautiful and so cute. She has a one year old little boy who is cute and was so good the entire time.

As we sat and talked (for at least an hour), I said plenty of dumb things, lost all my words and sometimes just sat there not knowing what to say. But it was still a great hour. As we stood to leave, I hugged her mom and then Rin. After I hugged her she told us that she wants us to adopt her baby. There were tears in her eyes as she told us. I of course started sobbing and hugged her again. All of the case workers had just walked in the hall. (even our awesome case worker braved the crazy snow storm to drive 2.5 hours to be there) Of course there were no tissues in the room (how does that happen?!?!) so I rushed out to find some. You should have seen the case workers faces as I stepped into the hallway. They were all worried. "What happen? What did she say?" They were thinking the worst. Finally the note taker that sat in on the meeting (yep, it was basically a party in there) said, She just told them she wanted them to adopt her baby. I still don't think anyone understood what was going on, but at least we knew it was a happy cry! Her case worker rushed back in to talk to them. We talked to our case worker a little and as we left to leave, they were leaving as well. Rin told me she was sorry for making me cry. Definitely no apologies needed there.

We are hoping to get to be able to spend a little more time with her over the next few months. She is amazing, beautiful and perfect for us.

Baby boy - April 5th.

Thank you for all your words of congratulations and excitement. They mean the world to us. You guys are the reason I couldn't keep my excitement in anymore. I needed to let all my greatest friends know. Thank you for always being there in all our times of need and joy during this whole process.

I seeeee you...

Every once in a while, I have a craving to make something different, something good. Sometimes that craving includes something sweet.
One day I decide to make this. (Pumpkin Tiramisu)
No big deal, right?
Well... not to a normal person who lives in a normal city.

I live in R-field.
Don't get me wrong, I love R-field and think it is a fabulous place to live.
I really do love it here.

But the choice of "specialty ingredients" is pathetic.
And I am not joking.

I thought, I should be able to find everything in the recipe with a few substitutions.

 (I am REALLY good at substitution thanks to small town po-dunk)

What store does not have lady fingers?
Is it a weird "specialty ingredient"? I don't think so.
Apparently I was wrong.

We went to ALL three stores in town.

Nothing.

No big deal. Vanilla wafers did the job.

My mom and I shared the frustration one day as we were chatting. No lady fingers to be found in R-field. Annoying.

Here we are. Today.
I was shopping for some Rigatoni noodles to make this (Pasta Pie)
and lo and behold what do I find?!?!

This can't be real!
Are my eyes deceiving me?

LADY FINGERS!

(sorry for the blurry pictures, I was too excited)
Smack dab in the middle of the PASTA and SPAGHETTI SAUCE.
Perfect.
That is EXACTLY where I would look to find them.

(funny thing - I don't even like them)