Our case worker always jokes that we should give a workshop on "finding hope" after a failed match/placement. I know that I am far too emotional to stand up in front of a group of people and explain how to overcome the trial of a broken heart and to get up the next morning and start over again. And again. Knowing that it will probably happen again. I guess that isn't the right kind of hope, is it? I guess that sometimes I am not sure I even know how to do that. Sometimes I lose the vision of a placement actually happening in our house. How does that qualify me to help others find hope? How does that make me strong enough to keep going? Sometimes I don't know. But then I think about the Plan of Salvation. I think about our Savior Jesus Christ. I think about our Heavenly Father and all the blessings that he wants to give us. I think about our sweet Hannah. I think about my sweet husband. I know we are an eternal family. I know that we will be blessed. I know we will gain the true desires of our hearts. I know we will have children on this earth. Now where do I find the patience?
I am hoping that by writing this post and exposing all my feelings and hurt that we have experienced in our Adoption Journey, maybe I can start to heal and just maybe I can help someone else that may be experiencing a similar experience (and thinking they are the only one out there, like we do sometimes!). :) If not, well then that is okay. After all this is my blog about Adoption and our journey to get there. Maybe this will open me up more to talking about it.
Adoption is hard to talk about for me. It's hard to let everyone know what has been going on and when we have a possible match. It's hard to go back and tell them that things didn't happen as we had hoped. It's hard to have people pity me or feel bad for me. After all this is my journey, the one that I chose. The one that I have always hoped for. The one that I am excited about. The one that will expand our little family.
A lot of people don't understand why we chose to start the Adoption Journey. After all I have been pregnant before, we know it can happen. And I am sure with a little help it would happen again. But the point is, I long to adopt. I know this is not an easy road. But it is the one that I want. I know there is a baby meant to be in our family. One that I can not bring into the world. A baby that will come to us through adoption.
I decided to put together a little time line of events and just maybe it might be a hope for someone to see that there are other couples out there with similar experiences. (And for my own information too!)
October 23, 2004 - Our Sweet Hannah came into this world and then returned to her Heavenly Father.
November 2004 - The road to conceive begins. Dustyn and I briefly talk about adoption.
November 2005 - We know we want to Adopt. It feels right. We call LDSFS. They send us the packet with a brief introduction to adoption.
August 2006 - We decide that now is the time to start the process. We paid our homestudy fee and the process begins.
October 2006 - We are APPROVED! Yay! We decided not to tell anyone and just let everyone be surprised! :)
December 1, 2006 - We are activated on Parent Profiles.
January 2006 - We tell our family and friends we are adopting and start spreading the word!
January 31, 2007 - We are matched with C. We talk on the phone, make plans to drive out and meet her. Things seemed to be going well. We were officially "matched". Due April 26th.
February 2007 - As we finalize our travel plans, we learn through her case worker that she chose another couple.
April 4, 2007 - We start talking to H.
April 20, 2007 - We start talking to R.
May 14, 2007 (Mother's Day) - We are matched with H.
May 2007 - Go to visit H.
June 2007 - Deactivate Parent Profiles.
July 2007 - Spend a month in PA waiting for baby P to be born.
August 20, 2007 - Baby P is born and H decides to parent. We were SO happy for her and know that she made the best choice for her and P. She'll always be one of my best friends. Love her to death!
August 30, 2007 - Matched with R.
September 2007 - R decides to parent.
November 19, 2007 - Parent Profiles reactivated.
November 2007 - LDSFS Online Profile activated.
December 2007 - Matched with C. We are ready to fly out. She had talked to our case worker and her case worker. Goes to get final paperwork signed before we leave town and doesn't show up.
January 29,2008 - Start talking to C. She is such a cutie and a awesome person. We were able to meet with her quite a few times and spend quite a bit of time with her. We were feeling fairly hopeful that if she did decide to place her baby that she would consider us.
March 18, 2008 - C has her baby early. (Due the end of June). Baby Z joins our sweet Hannah. This was a hard time for me because all the feeling of loosing my Hannah came back. My heart hurts for C and all that she is going through.
There is the basic rundown.
I don't know why I feel the need to share this. Maybe just to update my family and friends on where we are in our process. I know that so many of them are feeling left out, but it's hard for me to tell family and friends that we are matched just to turn around and tell them it didn't work out. It's hard to deal with the emotions and to let everyone else to deal with them too.
This truly has been an amazing journey that I thank my Heavenly Father everyday for letting me experience. I know that someday we will have a small little babe placed in our arms. Someday the ache will be eased. Our lives are changed forever through adoption and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the experiences that we have had to learn and grow. Sometimes I wonder why this all has to be so complicated, then I meet another amazing birth mother or another adoption friend that helps me see the real blessings. The reason why we are all in this together.
Thank you for joining us on our Journey. I know it is far from over. We have the rest of our lives to learn more about adoption as it continue to bless our lives.
Thank you for the support, the love and the wonderful examples that you are. You are what keeps us going from day to day. You are what makes it possible to start over. I will be eternally grateful for all of my fabulous adoption friends! They rock!
And this my friends is my presentation on hope! Ha ha! I guess maybe I still haven't figured it out. :)
10 comments:
THank you so much for sharing. I think most who go the adoption route have stories very similar, but that doesn't make it any easier each time that a child is not placed in your home. But just rememeber that becuase your know so much bitter, when the sweet comes it will be that much sweeter!
Kamie, You're amazing. I've never had one return to Heavenly Father, so I can't truly understand that feeling, but I do know the pain and loss when birth moms decide to parent or choose other couples. (That's happened to us a few times as well and it's devastating.) But I'm grateful for your example of hope and faith through all of this.
And it may sound trite, but all I can say is that your miracle is coming. And when you finally meet that tiny person, you'll understand why THIS was the one you had to wait for. I don't know how or why some people have to go through so much or wait so long. I only know that when it's finally YOUR child, you'll understand.
Love you -- Cali
I appreciate all you have talked about here on your blog. There is no way for me to understand your sorrow and your hope. I haven't been in your shoes. Just know that you are daily in our prayers. We love you guys!
Oh sweet Kamie. I feel your pain a lot more than I want to right now. I can't believe how many failed placements and heartache you have had to deal with in the past few weeks. I can't imagine going through that. I am not here to pity you or to feel sorry for you, (I hate that too and have been feeling that as I have shared our story the past few days.) We went through a failed placement almost three years ago, I think I have mentioned it. I don't blog about it because I know that our sweet friend M reads our blog. I love how you write about your feelings with the failed PA placement. I feel the same way about M. It is really hard for people to understand the feelings I have for her. While I did hurt and sometimes still do for that little boy, and for her, she did what she thought was best and through it all I have gained a strong testimony of the trials Heavenly Father is giving us, and the strength he is teaching me. When we went through our failed placement, at times my heart was so broken because of the lack of the sealing power. It felt harder than death for me at the time. I found comfort in the song, "Our Savior's Love" in the second verse where it says, "And we are bound to Him, by loving ties." That was the answer to my pain those years ago, that even though this little spirit was to remain with his biological mother, that through it all, and if I had a good attitude, I would be bound to him by LOVE. Right now his mom is in the beginning stages of divorce, and their children are not sealed to them. How my heart breaks, but how I hold onto the reasons behind our chance meeting in life, and there is some small hope that in the hereafter we will be bound to one another through the love of our Savior.
Thank you SO much for sharing your story with me. I come back here often and find peace and HOPE for the future. I understand where you come from with the pregnancy thing. I am so wanting to throw in the towel on that whole end, because we have had success twice, it is hard for people to understand that we have CHOSEN adoption, we have chosen each and every avenue to continue to help our family grow.
You are inspiring to share your story, continue to do so to those around you. I share about our failed placement with the hope that the couples I talk to, more fully love bithparents, and understand that once you are "chosen" that they will realize then what a spirtitual thing that is, and that Heavenly Father has a hand in it all. Much love from SLC.
Kamie, you and Dustyn are amazing. I wasn't aware of all the other placement possibilities you have been through, not to mention so recently--you are so strong for being able to share this with all of us. It seems like more often adoption is talked about in the Ensign. I was just reading the April issue today--the story about the woman who adopted 8 babies and then had two of her own. Every time I read or hear about adoption I think of you. You are in my prayers as well (as I know you are in the prayers of many others), and I just know that when you finally get a little one of your own, you are going to be such an amazing mother, and that child will know how much you love him or her because of all the waiting and heartache you went through for the opportunity. Love you.
Thank you for sharing. You are truly an inspiration to me and so many others that know you. Your ability to continue on with this complicated, hard, yet wonderful world of adoption is the most amazing and loving thing you can do. I admire you and Dustyn so much. I hope you will keep us updated as things continue.
Love, Sharon
P.S. I love your layout.
Thanks for sharing Kamie I know that it must be so hard. One thing I wanted to say is don't think people are feeling sorry for you they are feeling sorry with you. They love you and want to help. It is ok to share your pain and let others help.
We had some friends who tried for 8 years to have a baby with no luck. They then decided to be foster parents, they took in two brothers, soon they knew they wanted to adopt them and they started the process. When the adoption was finalized they took them through the temple and were sealed. A couple days later she found out she was pregnant and has had 2 babies since. If they had been able to have kids before they would have not been foster parents and they would not have their two boys. My point is that ther is a reason for all things and we don't know what it is until after it has passed.
You two would make the best parents and I hope you will be soon.
Thank you for sharing.
I am going to post a short post about my sister who just adopted a baby from Guatamala soon.
Kamie, I'm so glad you shared all of that. I ask myself the same questions and have the same fears and doubts about when and how and if something will ever work out for us. It can be so hard at times.
I really appreciated hearing some of your thoughts and feelings. The entire time I was reading this post, I was thinking of this quote: “Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.'"
I am amazed and inspired by your faith and courage. The Lord knows your heart and is so aware of you... I know He will bless you.
Wow Kamie. Knowing you, that must of taken a lot to say. Pity is definitely not what I feel for you, more like admiration!! You're awesome, and I can't wait for you to finally get a baby. You guys are gonna be the best parents ever.
From Kristan (your cousin)
Hi Kamie,
I am so sorry for the loss that you have experienced on this journey. Your post shows your incredible strength, faith, and maturity. Traits which will make you a fabulous mommy for one lucky kid. I really wish you the best and keep you and Dustyn in my prayers. I 100% second Cali and Travis' post. As you know, Heavenly Father has a plan just for you and Dustyn.
As you know, I have experienced a similar loss, and at the time my world was over...I thought it was at least. It has turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life (second to my husband).Keep hanging in there. I am certain that there is a little one out there who is yours already...you just havn't met him/her yet. God bless!
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